I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
One of the best
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
🙂🐾
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir