Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”