Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
You Might Also Like
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.