Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Happy Caturday!
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses