My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly