ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.