I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“What?”
– Jude