CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
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I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
#TopTip
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
…u ok Nintendo?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.