Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.