A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭