I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”