Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
This is a sub tweet
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
There’s always that one guy
i love meeting boys on tinder
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.