The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
You Might Also Like
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Covid like
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’