No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.