it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Poetry is my passion
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that