Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?