On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool