I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
You Might Also Like
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
broke down and did it
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this