Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I have questions??
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies