I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You Might Also Like
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!