I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
choose your gary
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.