Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now