When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
an octopus is just a wet spider
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
lmaaaaaooooooooo
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame