Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.