I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
What even happened today?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.