doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My biological clock is wheezing.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?