Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
You Might Also Like
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”