I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
You Might Also Like
Dead sexy!!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.