Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.