We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?