Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief