Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*