TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I know this now 😂
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.