Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.