Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*updates tinder bio*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea