Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I want what they have
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.