The human body is 70% water and 30% land
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.