That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”