babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
You Might Also Like
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Worst bar ever.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.