Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Snapes on a plane.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.