After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
this is uni
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no