Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine