Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person