My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you鈥檙e a natural
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn鈥檛 my notes app
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.