My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Today’s Times
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates