Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
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her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Friday
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”