I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I just tested negative for patience.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
what it’s like dating me:
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Cats (2019)