Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
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Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building