Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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😂😂😂
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)