It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
*puts my mental health in rice
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
The USS B port
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you